Being middle-seated… all the way to Orlando

Orlando You may recall the classic post “Being middle-seated in the back-row”. Well, I think I can go one worse… by being middle-seated all the way to Orlando (gasp). Yes, I was stuck in hell all the way to purgatory…or was I stuck in purgatory all the way to the gates of hell?

Orlando is my version of a very, very bad dream: a world where you can actually buy a fake Guinness in a fake Irish pub, and get stuck behind entire families in lengthy queues where the kids start at 220lbs… you never normally ever see people like this, but somehow Orlando acts as a magnet for over-sized, under-cultured plasticity.  Seriously, why bother with Guantanamo for interrogations? Just lock suspects in Epcot for a couple of days and we’ll find out who killed JFK, which Ritz-Carlton Osama Bin Laden resides in these days, and even where Bernie stashed his $50 billion…

It is also the peculiar venue of choice for several industry conferences – year after year. And as hard as I try, I always seem to get routed back here every year for my annual bout of misery and ghastliness. So here are some other ghastly life experiences that come to mind when trapped in this 3-hour predicament:

My one (and only) visit to Jacksonville

Dave Lee Roth bringing in 4th July with the Boston Pops (if you saw it, you’ll know…)

Every minute I have to listen to Simon Callow (a disgrace to the British race)

Donald trump’s fringe (how does he do that?)

My one (and only) visit to an Olive Garden (was 16 years’ ago, but never again)

Sheratons (ugh)

The day Johnny Damon shaved off his beard and turned up at a Yankees press conference (how could he do that?)

Awards ceremonies for outsourcing vendors (take your pick)

Bill O’Reilly (why?)

Hancock (what happened there?)

PF Changs (help)

LaGuardia airport (seriously…)

Trying to use Microsoft Office apps on a Mac (drives you bonkers…)

The London Underground (years and years of purgatory…)

Getting up at 4.30AM to be middle-seated…. All the way to Orlando

p.s. no offence intended to citizens of Orlando… just having some fun at your expense :)

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9 Comments

  1. Posted March 24, 2009 at 6:20 pm | Permalink

    So I shouldn’t plan our next Global Customer Meet at Epcot Center? Dana seemed to enjoy it. There’s something deliciously rebellious about scantily clad Bollywood dancers co-mingling with the Mickey experience, I think.

  2. Posted March 24, 2009 at 7:03 pm | Permalink

    Debeshish: maintain a high-frequency on-demand alcohol delivery model and you should be OK…

  3. Lepeak
    Posted March 25, 2009 at 5:13 am | Permalink

    Worse or just as – last row, in the corner by the engines, heading to Detroit with a delay, and the petite caucasian woman in the center seat picks a fight the five plus size woman in the surrounding seats from a Detroit church choir, over a variety of topics including their need to next time purchase multiple seats so as to be able fit their posteriors into what they paid for….

  4. Posted March 25, 2009 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    oh, just reading about it makes me twitch…there is nothing more stressful than a middle seat on a completely full airplane.

    Is it my imagination or are the fight attendants all unfriendly in coach?

  5. Posted March 26, 2009 at 7:08 am | Permalink

    Lepeak – did you commit some terrible sin to warrant such punishment?

  6. Jim
    Posted March 26, 2009 at 7:09 am | Permalink

    Phil,

    What’s wrong with PF Changs?

    Jim

  7. Lepeak
    Posted March 26, 2009 at 1:03 pm | Permalink

    My only sin was being a former resident of an urban MI city and hence had the experience to handle the “situation” in a non-hostile manner and (not get squashed for my efforts).

  8. Posted March 29, 2009 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

    Phil, what has happened to your sense of adventure?

  9. Posted March 29, 2009 at 12:52 pm | Permalink

    Jeanne: while Vegas finds it’s own special way to deal with tackiness, Orlando just seems to lay it on a bit too think…

    I actually had a great time there, but you gotta give the place a hard time -:)

2 Trackbacks

  1. [...] on the municipality of Orlando over the years here on HfS, once even going as far as equating being middle-seated en route to the Floridian enclave as being stuck in purgatory all the way to the gates of hell.  After many lost nights’ [...]

  2. [...] on the municipality of Orlando over the years here on HfS, once even going as far as equating being middle-seated en route to the Floridian enclave as being stuck in purgatory all the way to the gates of hell.  After many lost nights’ sleep [...]

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