How to categorize your absurd colleagues

Have you ever tried to dissect the assortment of (sometimes absurd) characters in your professional life with whom you have to invest so much of your time?  Well now you don’t have to, because here they all are in their naked glory…

The haters. There are people out there who will always despise and resent you, no matter how hard you try.  Just ignore them… if you can. They’re jealous.

The skin-crawlers. There are people you will just despise, no matter how hard you try to like them.  Keep trying… never give up, one day you might find something you like about them… unlikely, but you never know.  However, once your skin crawls, it usually stays crawling.

The irritants. There are people who will just irritate you. There is no remedy, just suck it up.  Try to think about how you deal with the in-laws…

The zombies. There are people who somehow always seem to be employed, despite being completely and utterly unemployable.  Just remember, they will keep finding some idiot to give them a job.  It’s just reality… deal with it.  God invented zombie companies to hire zombie staff…

The upwardly immobiles. There are some people who always seem to get overlooked for promotion, despite the fact they are the only person in that company who does any work and has half a brain.  Just keep dealing with them and ccing their management to give them recognition.

The rejections. There are some people whom you really admire and respect, but just don’t seem to feel the same about you.  They probably think you’re an idiot, so just move on – they just don’t see your greatness through their mental fog.  Remember high-school and the cool kids who just didn’t want to hang out with you…

The hate-hates. There are some people whom you despise, who also (probably) despise you.  Might as well pretend to be friends and have painful conversations where you pretend to like each other… keep your enemies closer, and all that.

The drama queens. There are some people who are just a nightmare to deal with – always blowing up with every little activity always becoming a major issue.  Just keep practicing that egg-shell walking… this one ain’t going to change anytime soon.

The walking dead. There are some people whom you have no idea what it is they actually do all day.  They just exist.  They will always exist.  Be nice and never probe too deeply on the specifics…

The whiners. There are some people who just go on and on about how busy and over-worked they are all the time – even though you’re not exactly sure doing what.  But they somehow manage to spend an awfully large amount of time complaining about their inhumane workload . Just sympathize with how hard they have it and let them know you’re always here to help them… but you have to run, as you “don’t want to take up any more of their precious time…”

The job-hoppers.  How about those peeps who are always looking for their next gig as their current job just sucks big-time (like their previous six).  Like, what do they expect to be different each time they jump ship?  Haven’t they realized that they’re going to be somebody’s b***h wherever they go?  Sadly, their new companies are becoming increasingly obscure and the hopping time-spans are decreasing.  Just avoid being a reference… you’ll become someone’s enemy pretty quickly!

The “refuse to find a new line of work” people. The are more blogs on HR than any other business topic, because people in the HR industry don’t have anything else to do (or the work is so boring, they just avoid doing it).  Why spend all your time writing how fxxxxxd-up your function is than actually doing something about it?  No remedy for this, unfortunately.  We’ll no doubt get deluged with thousands more blogs about how messed up HR is in 2014… or, heaven forbid, some of these people will actually find jobs in other functions where they can actually do some work.

The social media zombies.  A more recent creation of colleague, but one with a high-irritant factor – those people who seem to be endlessly on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Quora, SlideShare and lord-knows-what-else every minute of every day.  What the xxxx do these these people do all day, or are they still living on the memory of the work they used to do pre-2007?  Just don’t “like” or re-tweet any of their mindless updates, if you want to avoid them electronically stalking you for the next 20 years…

True corporate love. And finally.  there still exists a small number of people in your work environment whom you admire, who feels the same about you.  Go see them, have dinner, take in a movie, it’s a rare, but pleasurable experience!

And on that note… enjoy your week :)

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5 Comments

  1. Paul Anderson
    Posted January 24, 2014 at 9:14 pm | Permalink

    Phil – this is excellent. I can resonate with all of these!

    Paul

  2. John M
    Posted January 25, 2014 at 8:15 am | Permalink

    I know a lot of those zombies and drama queens. Thanks for the laugh.

  3. George Cairns
    Posted January 25, 2014 at 9:41 am | Permalink

    Phil,

    Loved this blog. I fear the social media zombies are taking over and will gradually morph into the walking dead,

    George Cairns

  4. Posted January 26, 2014 at 3:22 am | Permalink

    Spot on. I think I know people who fit into many of those description. And, eerily enough, I think I do too :-)
    Here is one more classification:
    http://darkofficehumour.wordpress.com/2011/12/14/the-very-important-person-how-to-find-him-in-office/

  5. Bob Sharp
    Posted January 26, 2014 at 9:05 am | Permalink

    The perfect guide to corporate relationships! I think I know somebody in every category, Phil.

    Bob Sharp

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